Blind
by Liv-x-Case-Benson
Summary: She held her hand up. "He had three loves – three great loves. Me and the kids, this job…" "What's the other?" she asked. If it was possible even with the terrible news, Olivia could've sworn Kathy cracked a hollow smile. "I'm looking right at her." One-Shot. Rated for Violence.


**Blind**

By: Lix-x-Lex4Ever

_Beta'd by: __Tiger-Lily-Weasley-757_

Blindly, she grabbed her phone from beside the bed. "Benson." After a few moments a soft "Yes," fell from her lips as she closed it. She rolled onto her side, completely aware of the stern, but loving ADA having her other arm trapped within her own, cuddled against it. She sighed, brushing the golden hair behind her ear and kissing her cheek. She tried to pull away, but Alex held stronger, kissing it.

"Alex, I have to go," she said, stroking her cheek.

Blue emotion-filled voids opened to meet hers. "Will you be back?" she asked, sitting up, Olivia's arm still in her grasp.

She sat up beside her, her hand brushing the soft skin under her shirt. "Of course I'll be back. I'll always come back for you."

Reluctantly, Alex released her arm, watching as she slipped back into her jeans and shirt from the night before. "How can you promise that, Olivia? It's one that can easily be broken, especially in your line of work."

Olivia turned around, pulling her hair back and tying it. "I just know. I'll be back," she said, sitting on the edge of the bed.

Alex maneuvered out from under the warmth to wrap her arms around her back, sitting on her knees and resting her head on Olivia's shoulder. "I thought you said you were going to cut your hours."

She nodded. "I have. I haven't worked nights in two weeks," she said, turning her head to kiss her cheek. "I thought you, out of all people, would've noticed that."

She sighed. "I still don't feel good about this."

"Tell me I shouldn't go help that child with a clean conscience and I'll stay."

Alex bit her lip. Out of everyone in the Special Victims Unit, Olivia had an excellent reputation of helping children. They needed her as much as she did. "I can't. I want to, but…"

Olivia turned, wrapping her arms around her. "You know I need to. I can't stay away. It's in my blood. I promise I'll be back."

Alex nodded, resting her head against her chest. "I love you."

Olivia lifted Alex's chin until it met hers, kissing her softly. "I love you too." She pulled on her shoes, put her phone in her pocket, and left.

* * *

After she heard the door close, Alex knew she'd never get back to sleep. She threw on sweats and a t-shirt and cleaned a bit.

The hours ticked by slowly. Too slowly for her. She thought about calling, but also knew that if Olivia was distracted, she'd be in even more danger. Finally, the sun began to rise, the sky a mixture of orange and yellow, and she still hadn't heard from anyone.

She was too exhausted to think about what to do or who to call. She laid on the couch, pulling a blanket over herself and fell asleep.

Every type of nightmare came to her it seemed. Shot, stabbed, beaten, head trauma, suffocated…the list went on unfortunately. Every time one nightmare ended another began. And in all of them, Alex was but an invisible spectator, watching helplessly. She just couldn't make herself wake up. It was like something had a hold of her fears and acted on them.

* * *

Olivia barely managed to walk in the apartment some six hours later, drained of all strength and heart. The case she'd come an hour from wrapping up having taken a severe toll.

She saw Alex asleep on the couch and almost felt worse. She'd only asked to come to take Alex with her. She knew she couldn't face this alone. She sat on the coffee table in front of her, brushing the threads of gold from her face, trembling badly.

She knew she'd feel better if she just forgot everything that would happen after this and went back to bed, but she owed it. To his wife and kids. She had to go.

"Alex," she whispered, her voice nearly gone. She would've been back sooner, but she'd needed to deal with this a bit on her own. But, in truth, she was surprised she made it back in one piece. She would love to give the bastard a piece of her mind for what had just happened, but knew she was too close.

"Alex," she said a bit stronger, grabbing her hand. "Alex please wake up."

Olivia's voice registered in her brain, but it sounded uneven, pained. Alex opened her eyes to meet her red-rimmed ones. "What's wrong? What's happened?" she asked, kissing her hand as she sat up and pulled Olivia closer, studying the lost, damaged expression. "Olivia?"

She could speak. It was still raw. She didn't want to leave the house again, not tonight, but she didn't want to admit it was real either. "He-he's…"

A knock came from the door. "Come in," Alex answered, remembering that Olivia rarely locked it the second she arrived home.

Seconds later, in walked Cragen, followed by Munch and Fin.

Olivia, hearing their footsteps in heartfelt sighs, went to stand, but fell into Alex's lap, curling up into a ball of sorts, burying her head in Alex's shirt.

Alex, out of instinct and hating to see her like this, held her tightly. "Please sit," she whispered.

Munch and Fin brought out three chairs from the kitchen and sat, all watching Olivia and wishing there was something, anything, that could be said, to make this better.

Cragen, who'd cleared his throat, was the first to speak. "She…hasn't told you anything yet?"

Alex shook her head, dread setting in for the detective who wasn't there. "She just came and woke me up."

He nodded. "Three kids all under ten, parents were dealers and tried to use them as shields…"

"We managed to get the kids away safe…" Fin cut in.

"..But before we could the father pointed his gun at Olivia. Elliot tried to negotiate and, well you know her take when kids are involved..." Munch pointed out.

Alex nodded. "She'll go out of her way. Doesn't think of herself."

Cragen nodded. "Elliot fired a shot, which winged him in the arm, but before he went down..."

"He got him in the neck," Olivia managed, though her voice quivered terribly. "He...fell and I ran over as they cuffed the guy, but the bullet must've hit the carotid artery. Just so much. I tried to staunch it, so hard, all my weight, bu-but..." she lost her voice again, repositioning herself in Alex's arms, wrapping her arms tighter.

"We got there after he was cuffed, but..." Cragen said, knowing the rest wasn't hard to figure out. "Which reminds me, Liv, your shirt..."

She nodded, standing and trying to mask everything as she walked back to change, but knew it was impossible.

* * *

"So, did you just come to tell me?" Alex asked.

Munch shook his head. "A long time ago, Olivia made Kathy a promise: if this ever happened, she would be the first to tell her."

Cragen looked up at her, his eyes somber. "She needs you to come with us. We're all going."

A few tears that had began long before Olivia had left increased. Alex nodded, standing up. "I'll...try to bring her back out."

* * *

Olivia stood in their bedroom in front of the vanity, her jacket strung over the bed as she looked at herself with eyes muddled by tears. Her shirt was blood-stained, soaked in it. The last physical reminder that he wasn't coming back. She knew he'd always had her back and that was what had lead him to this.

She hated the fact that she hadn't been able to do more, even more stemmed from the fact that this tragedy could've been easily avoided if she'd only been watching a bit closer.

She couldn't let it go. It meant letting him go and she just…couldn't. She walked backwards until her legs hit the bed and dropped down on it, head in her hands, sorrow overtaking harder than previously.

Alex stood in the doorway for a moment, letting Olivia have a little time. It was like a bullet for all of them, but for Olivia especially. They'd been partners for 11 years, always had each other's back, which in truth, was all Alex could ask. She had the brains, but not the courage to go out and do they work they did every day. She was much more comfortable in court.

She walked over, sat beside her and wrapped her arms around her, knowing no words could ever make this less painful. She felt like they'd sat there for hours, days even, with Olivia curled into her side, soaking her shirt with salty tears.

Finally, Olivia sighed, sitting up before discarding the shirt, walking over to the closet and pulling one on from a hanger. She still had her back to Alex, like she thought if she looked at her she would lose what little composure she had.

"Liv…" Alex said, walking up behind her and wrapping her arms around her waist, her head on her shoulder. "I'm here, okay?" she whispered in her ear. "I won't leave."

Olivia nodded, sniffing and wiping her eyes. "It shouldn't have been him," she whispered.

"I know you think that, but—"

She pulled away. "No Alex! He's got more people who depend on him! It should have been me!" she said, turning around.

"But where would that leave me, Olivia? Tell me! We've been together a little over a year and I wouldn't change a thing—"

"You shouldn't be living for me, Alex! That could've easily been me! Just one more second..."

Alex grabbed her wrist. "Yes, it could have, but he made sure it wasn't because that's who he is..."

"Was!"

She sighed. "Alright was, but he-he never would've let you be hurt. He never said that, but you always had each other's backs. He did his job, just like he always does! And, since I've been back from my trip to the Congo, I have been living for you! Sometimes, you're the only person who gets me through the day."

Olivia rubbed her eyes again. "But it wasn't enough. Not this time. And now, Kathy and those five kids – five Alex! – have to live without him because I didn't do enough!"

"Not everyone can do everything, Olivia."

"I know that, but I just—"

"But what? It's unbearable to lose him, I know, but I still can't imagine how you feel and, as horrible as you feel, how do you think I would've felt if it had been you?"

Olivia walked over and sat on the bed again. "As bad as I feel. And I understand that, but if I'd only been paying attention, maybe..."

"...Maybe you would've ended up like him and I'd be here all alone. Liv, whatever happened – or didn't happen – it wasn't your fault."

She sighed, dropping to the floor. "So…why don't I feel any better knowing that?"

Alex got down beside her, pulling her into her arms. "You're not supposed to feel better, not about this. You tried. You know you did."

Olivia wrapped her arms around her tightly, resting her head against her shoulder. "I-I don't think I c-can do this, Alex! I..."

"Shh, you won't be alone. All of us will be there. Cragen, Fin, Munch, me. We won't let you fall."

She still shook her head. "H-he always said everything was in o-order, b-but I just n-never thought..."

"None of us did. None of us want this to happen. But..." she didn't dare say it, lest it cause another unneeded argument.

She nodded. "I-I know. I-I'd hate to have you go through this."

Alex wiped away a stream of tears from Olivia's cheek, but it was instantly replaced by another. "We-we really should go."

Olivia stood on very wobbly legs, grabbing her bloody shirt. Seeing Alex stand, she wrapped her free arm around her. "Hey."

"Hm?" she asked, tears that had been on the brink of falling overflowing.

"...I think...I might...cut back. You. You're more important and-and..."

Alex wrapped her arms tightly around her, kissing her cheek. "We could always take a vacation. Get away for a bit."

She sighed. "Maybe."

They walked back out, seeing the guys still deep in thought.

"Are we ready?" Olivia asked.

Cragen looked up as if surprised to hear her speak. "If you are we are," he said as they all stood.

* * *

When Olivia explained what had happened, Kathy's face was only in indescribable agony for – what she figured was – two minutes, tops. Then Kathleen and Maureen appeared at the top of the stairs and – as Olivia often did – the strong woman masked her pained facial features until only her eyes reflected it.

She turned. "What is it girls? I'm a little busy at the moment."

"Eli won't quiet no matter what we do," Maureen said.

Kathleen caught Olivia's grief-stricken face in the porch lights. "Has...something happened t—"

Kathy waved them back upstairs. Without a proper invitation, she stepped aside to let them in.

Now that Olivia was inside though, she could clearly hear it. "...Maybe you should go to him. We-I've said what I needed to say," she was biting her lip until it nearly bled. Alex's arm around her was the only thing that kept her from falling to the floor in a mess.

Kathy shook her head. "No, you haven't. you blame yourself. I know you do, Olivia."

"Is there a reason I shouldn't?"

"Yes. He did it for you, not to you, not to me."

"But…you...the kids, I..."

She rested a hand on her opposite shoulder. "He loved me and the kids with everything he had."

"That's why—"

She held her hand up. "He had three loves – three great loves. Me and the kids, this job…"

"What's the other?" she asked.

If it was possible even with the terrible news, Olivia could've sworn Kathy cracked a hollow smile. "I'm looking right at her. I believe nothing happened, but platonically, you two did have the chemistry."

She nodded, never having really thought that way. They'd saved each other countless times in a pinch, even masqueraded as married because they knew each other so well, but her being his other love had never crossed her mind. It was foreign and yet… "I'm so sorry, Kathy."

She nodded. "I know that, but I know you did all you could. The truth was he would've done anything for you, to keep you safe and he did. Just like he would've kept me safe."

Olivia knew she was right, but hated admitting that they'd been on the same level for many years. Kathy and the kids should've been above her and, for the better part of 11 years, she was pretty sure this job took priority. "He always told me he had things together. Is there anything you need help with regarding the…"

Kathy shook her head, going over to the desk and pulling out a file with papers. "It's all here. The only thing he requests from you Olivia – well, all of you, but her in particular – is that she be head casket barer."

Cragen spoke up. "We could arrange it at the end of the week or whenever you're comfortable. It is up to you, Kathy."

"I'll-I'll need a few days to make the arrangements and..."

"Kathy, let me help you."

"That's nice Olivia, but crime in this city won't stop for this."

Fin cleared his throat. "That's true, but for this I think we can handle the city."

* * *

The next Saturday was, by far, one of the worst she'd ever experienced. She didn't know which was worse, the looks on his kids faces when they were told daddy wasn't coming home or the heavy feeling in her heart as she helped the boys carry the casket into the church.

The service had many people Kathy's knew offering their sincerest condolences. It was also packed with people Elliot had known and served with in the Marines. Through it all, Olivia sat next to her and Alex next to Olivia. They'd become somewhat of a trio during that time.

When the service was over, Olivia led her up to the casket, where her fingers traced his jaw one last time before they closed the casket.

The burial was the most difficult to watch. Knowing he would never come at her with another, snarky or sarcastic comment on her and Alex's love life, knowing he would never have her back.

Kathy had stayed by the hole the entire time and had requested Olivia stay with Alex as she watched him for the last time.

Hesitantly, after it was finished, she approached. "I could drive you and the kids home if you want."

Kathy, dazed, came out of it after a few seconds, shaking her head. "No," she whispered, "Elliot's mother agreed to take us to lunch."

Olivia nodded. "If you need anything, anything at all…"

"I'll be sure to call."

Olivia went to walk away, but Kathy grabbed her wrist. She turned. "Yes?"

She threw herself into her arms, crying rivers as Olivia stood her ground and wrapped her arms around her. After a few minutes, she pulled back. "Thank you for helping him, helping us."

She nodded walking back over to Alex who wrapped her arms tightly around her, kissing her cheek. "Hopefully we can all start to heal now."

She looked back as the kids surrounded Kathy. "Or it may never start."

Alex nodded. "We should go home. She'll call you if she needs you."

"Yeah. I know."

**THE END**

* * *

**Author's Note:** What do you think?

Please read & review:

**Liv-x-Lex4Ever**


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